October 19th – the day I lost a baby

Nobody ever thinks it’s going to happen to them. Miscarriage. Or at least I didn’t. It’s not 100% official yet, but I know it is. My doctor wants to wait another week to ultrasound again and double check there is no heartbeat. 

I had my first ultrasound yesterday at 10.5 weeks. The results showed a 5.5 week old embryo with no sign of life. The ultrasound technician kept trying to reassure me that I possible got my dates wrong and I wasn’t 10.5 weeks along. I am meticulous about tracking my ovulation, conception, and pregnancy progress. I knew the instant the screen showed that embryo that it wasn’t what it was suppose to be. 

I started spotted the night before and then more heavily yesterday. My gut knew something was wrong even before the ultrasound, but I kept pushing it aside and not paying much attention. It was probably better that way. 

The hurt is unbelievable. I punched a wall on my way out of the ultrasound office. I was angry. Then sad. Cried all afternoon and night. But 24 hours later, I’m ready to move forward. Monday’s ultrasound and next steps can’t come fast enough. 

Those that I’ve confided in thus far either had a miscarriage story of their own or knew someone close to them that had one. I believe the statistic is 25% of women miscarry. I feel like it should be more like 75%. 

Gwen has reminded us how blessed we are to have had one healthy child already. 

Peace and love. 

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